By CRISTINA JANNEY
Hays Post
Talking to teens about relationship violence can be a touchy subject but is important to help youth develop healthy relationships for later life, said Jennifer Hecker, executive director of Options Domestic and Sexual Violence Services.
February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, and Hecker spoke during a recent Morning Blend interview about how to talk to your teens about the issue.
"It all starts with being open with your kids and creating a safe space to talk about things that are happening," she said.
Hecker, a parent herself, said when a teen comes to you and tells you something dangerous and scary is happening in a relationship, your mama bear or papa bear instinct kicks in.
"That often demonstrates itself as anger or frustration, and then your teen thinks that is directed at them," she said. "That oftentimes leads teens to clam up. ...
"As hard as it is, keep your head, keep your cool and talk gently and quietly with soft eyes and a soft voice with your child about what is happening."
She said parents need to give their children time to reveal things. They might not tell you everything at once, Hecker said, but they will eventually as you create a safe space for them.
This is a time in teens' lives when they are trying to figure out what a healthy relationship is, Hecker said.
"They look to their peers for validation, and they look to the media for validation," she said. ...
"Unfortunately, we live in a society where sexual violence and domestic violence are normalized in videos and movies, and then we couple that with the fact that we don't talk about it. [It's] that old saying that polite families don't talk about those things, but in the best families, we do. That is how we help our children navigate the world."
Hecker said teens need more than their peers and the media to learn about healthy relationships.
"They need other caring adults — family members and parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and trusted adult family friends that they can talk to," she said.
Hecker said what youth learn in their teen years is what they will carry with them through adulthood.
"Children and teens get caught in cycles of abuse and find it very hard for them to get out and break those cycles," she said. "Our brains are wired to repeat patterns even if they are unhealthy.
"Establishing those healthy patterns with our children early helps with that healthy brain development."
Hecker listed some warning signs that might indicate a teen is involved in an unhealthy relationship.
• Teen spends much more time on their phone
• Dating partner has a high level of influence over teen, partner is controlling
• Teen makes different decisions based on attempts to please partner
• Physical signs, such as bruises
• Self-harm
"Anyone can experience teen dating violence," Hecker said. "It knows no socio-economic bounds at all, but from experience, I think I can say that teens who are more vulnerable than other teens can be more at risk because the person is exploiting their vulnerability for their own power and control."
All Options efforts are aimed at creating physical and emotional safety in the community for kids, Hecker said.
Events sponsored by Options during the awareness month include
• "Chalk about Love" from 5 to 6 p.m. Feb. 28. at the Hays Public Library. The Options young adult book club will be the same night from 5 to 6 p.m. The book is "Sadie," which is about a girl's experience with dating violence. Copies of the book are available at the library.
• "Chalk about Love" at Hays High School on Feb. 23.
• All month long Hays High students will have a poster event titled "Consent is Sweet."